I think I may be getting my inspiration back. I cannot express the amount of happiness I feel.

I’m letting this slip away. I should really work on following through on things. Sometimes, I just can’t find the motivation.  I’m struggling with how to handle this. Do I pretend everything’s normal, or I do I just give you space? The difficulty in this is knowing how you feel about me. I don’t know if there is any potential for the future. I suppose I’ll just wait for you to make the first move. snfjdlfkdksdflkjs

Exhaustion. Heavy heart. Nothing but scattered thoughts. Release. Inspiration. All I want is to be closer to you. Routine. Repetition. Sometimes sad. Sometimes content. Sometimes I just need some reassurance. Wishful. Needing. I’m never good enough. Nervous. Pressure. I want to be enough. Confused. Searching. Seeking. I don’t know what I’m looking for. My favorite song. Familiar. Closer. It feels okay again. A broken promise. A friend lost. Wounded again. Growing. Learning. A new friend. Unfamiliar. Exciting. I adore you. Don’t just disappear. Like everyone else. 

The more I cry, the more depressed I begin to feel. 

I have a lot of things on my mind. My life has been so hectic and busy lately. I’ve been stressed, but happy. I have so much to be grateful for. Things seem to be falling into place so perfectly. I’m content and I am in a permanent good mood regardless of crummy days. I’ve been questioning a lot of things, and coming to terms with who I am. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about a lot of things. I think I should write a book. I also think I should spend make a personal goal for myself to learn 5 new words every day. In consequence, my intelligence would increase, and it would be beneficial to my book vocabulary wise. Yes, I think that this is a very good idea. I (unfortunately) have a 25 word vocabulary test tomorrow in British Lit, so (fortunately) I am covered for the next few days. I think my word journey will begin Monday. This weekend is going to make me happy. More so than I already am. Alex makes me happy. My ferret makes me happy. Music makes me happy. School makes me happy. My brother makes me happy. Spinning class makes me happy, even though I suffer physically and can barely move my legs right now. My warm blanket makes me happy. This blog makes me happy. The fact that I’m so happy right now makes me happy. I’m exceptionally happy right now. I need to let all of my friends know that I love them. I wish I had cupcake mix. I would make my lunch table cupcakes. Or maybe my Yearbook class. Or maybe I would just make them for Alex and I. Or maybe I would make them and eat them all myself. Except not really. I’m so excited for winter. I’m excited for the fair. Bonfires. Snuggly clothes. Halloween. TWY show. My nose piercing. My birthday. Getting a job. Spending time with Alex. Fall break. That feeling of relief when I finally finish my December deadlines for Yearbook. My gym membership. Christmas. 2012. Not dying in 2012. I could go on forever. This post is sort of just rambling, I suppose. Sorry it’s not all ~deep~ and ~intellectual~ but this is my little journal, I WRITE WUTZ I WANT. I’m off to complete homework and gain knowledge. jhskjhdaksjhda bai c:

To balance out my last post, I am determined to write about something happy. However, this subject is undetermined. I think I will just think of things that make me happy, and list them all. K so - 

Cozy hoodies. The sound of laughter. Being lifted off of the ground during a hug. Making a good grade on a difficult test. Warmth on a cold day. Stargazing. Visiting a new city. Rekindling old relationships. Acoustic covers. The smell of coffee. Getting into a freshly made bed. Holding hands. Holding hands with Alex. Writing letters. Receiving letters. Eating cookie dough straight out of the tub. Fully charged batteries. Fresh fruit. Getting a new haircut. Good morning texts. Starting a new novel. Sleeping in late. Falling asleep to the sound of the rain. Learning a new word. Receiving an invitation. When the stoplight turns green before I begin to brake. Having a spotless room. Getting an award. Inside jokes. Discovering new music. The feeling of relief that comes after sneezing. Wearing a loved one’s clothing that smells exactly like them. Pulling into the driveway just as the song ends. Being complimented. Using exactly 160 characters in a text. Goodnight texts. Smiling instantly at the thought of someone. Achieving a goal. Having a second family. Memorizing every word to a song. The feeling of pride after singing that song the whole way through for the first time. Wearing my favorite pair of jeans. Corny jokes. A full tank of gas. Movie nights at home. Freckles. Late night phone conversations. Nicknames. Cashing a check. Beating my high score. Cuddling. High fives. 

It’s always been in my nature to be optimistic about things. But not tonight. I couldn’t explain how I feel if I wanted to. It’s one of those rare instances where a sudden depression sweeps over me for no reason at all. It’s annoying. I do not like this feeling. I find comfort in looking for the upsides to unfortunate situations. Tonight I could care less. 

On every night that sleep becomes impossible for me, I find my inspiration at it’s highest point. I wish that I could write down everything. Express every thought. Share every feeling. I don’t have insomnia, just a messed up sleeping schedule and a laptop that conspires against my need for rest. I have no purpose in this post, my words are directionless. My thoughts are simply flowing onto the screen. I just need to ease my mind. I particularly dislike when moths decide to dance on my laptop screen at night. I’m too tired to swat them away, so I just enjoy their company. I wish I had one million books. I would put everything else away and devote one year to just reading my books. I probably could only read about 700, assuming that these were very complex and fancy books with hundreds of pages, that would each take me multiple hours to read. I could probably read a couple of books a day, in between snacks and restroom breaks, and maybe a nap here and there. I would probably end up falling so in love with books that I would decide to extend my year away from life to two, three, possibly four years. And even after that I would only be up to 2,800 books. Of course, this is all fine and dandy because after spending so much time alone in my house reading books I would become socially awkward and forget how to communicate with others from the outside world, and so my one year dedicated to reading hundreds of books would become a permanent lifestyle, and I would probably be one of the most intelligent people in the country, but unfortunately no one would ever get the chance to find this out because my nose would be buried in a book somewhere and would never be exposed to sunlight. This actually doesn’t sound like such a bad idea to me. After all, I really don’t enjoy most of the people who exist anyways. So, time to start collecting books of all sorts - preferably, very complex and interesting books with hundreds of pages each. I really need some sleep. I ramble too much.

I get worried sometimes. I worry that things won’t turn out as I have always expected them to. I get worried that my current happiness is only temporary and that something horrible will come along and take everything away from me. I get worried that I’ll lose the people closest to me, whether it be emotionally or physically. I’m afraid of a lot of things. I’m afraid of change, yet I yearn for it. I’m afraid of growing up, but I want nothing more than to become independent. I’m excited about a lot of things. I’m excited for the future. I’m excited to have someone that I can share everything with, who gives me just as many butterflies now as he did a month before. I’m excited to experience everything this world has to offer. A blur of emotions engulf me. 

I need to stop doing things solely for the purpose of pleasing others and not myself. I put myself into uncomfortable situations and let people pressure me into doing things for their benefit. I can’t stand myself sometimes. I wish I weren’t so weak. Everything is going wrong today. I’m dreading everything. I don’t know why I let this happen to me. This whole day is going to be awkward and agonizing. Time to brace myself.